pride

We well I say we but Nikita had some very good news today , she got it she got the job in Guernsey. She was so nervous and so was I when I picked the post up today and caught a glimpse of the stamp from guernsey health care . I plan on buying her a full set of stationary when she starts I know it sounds strange but I know it will make her happy. Im so proud of her she has finally got what she deserves.

Back Home

Nikita got back home yesterday I was so happy to see her. I really want to get the money together now to move back to Guernsey as soon as. I don't think getting a job would be that hard I've spoke to a couple of people that said they would take me on if we are there but its all down to finding the money to get a flat/house or what ever. So If anyone reading this has 5k to spare let me know Ill pay you back lol

Nikita came back and I wanted to show her how much I love her so I try'd to tell her how I feel about her how beautiful she is but it just seems to upset her so I don't know what to say and I really just want to say how special she is to me but I'm messing up saying anything I can think of just so I get to hear her speak because it makes me feel special this perfect person talking to me.

x

just me

its just me today no one else Nikita has gone away to Guernsey till Thursday she has an interview on Wednesday to become a nurse there. Im really proud of her but in some ways I wish she had never wanted to be a nurse because if she hadn't she would be with me today, I miss her so much I can't eat drink or think. This note has so far took me 47 minutes I'm that lost and with out the love of my life I would be nothing.

thats all

Easter

Easter has been and gone eggs where eating well we ate them before easter but it was still a good day. Nikita goes away tomorrow back to Guernsey for an interview I think she will get it and hopefully we will be able to move back soon. The price of property is so high there and with us having a cat and dog not many people want to rent to you, We will find something though. I don't really have much to right about today i'm ill so not with it really.

Betting

I have always been brought up around betting my grandad loved the horses and so does my step dad but I've never been a big better the odd £ her and there but today I took the chance I took £10 and put it in my on-line betfair account. So to begin I bet £1 a time on 21 and then the full £10 you can see what I'm getting at, but when everything is going so wrong in my life at times I went and Won £160, £160 fuck me when do you get £160 no tax a extra amount in your account that has not yet been spent on bills or food or clothing. I'm not saying go and bet everything you have but there is an excitement to it you get that scared yet secret little buzz from it. Everyone needs this kind of little buzz now and again live your life

sex

When I was younger a teenager I couldn't wait to have sex and yes just like every other lad I said I had knowing I hadn't but don't we all try to fit in at some point. The 1st time I had sex was when I was 20, it was with Nikita the love of my life she was scared but never put it across but so was I. I had hear'd so many things about it would only last for 2 minutes at that your 1st time but I'm proud to say it was more like two hours. I had no idea what i was doing but it was okay I loved her already. Yet now we have been together for two years it is so much more then sex it is passion and lust and lets face it, is love not just that. We all fall for someone that we have a lust for 1st, we see them across a bar we see them in the shop, in town, in work and we want them we want to kiss them to hold them to make love to them so lust is a lot to do with love. I lust for the feeling of sex with Nikita, don't get me wrong I still look at women you don't stop being attractive to women just because you have the perfect one. I'm not saying all this because I'm sleeping with someone else or anything like that but well I don't know I'm probably just turned on and horny but I crave for the connection each and every day and its just that I find it hard, Nikita has bipolar and doesn't get that lust as much as I do and I tend to be feeling guilty about it more and more. Do I tell her or not, I don't just want sex I want the connection


all this makes no seance to me as well

Tuesday

Today is going to one of them days I can just tell, do you know when you wake up some days you just know something is going to happen good or bad but still you just know. I'm done in I just don't have the strength to get my head of the pillow yet I still like days like this I get lots going through my head and just now and again I have good ideas.

theft

yesterday I got a knock on my door from my neighbour telling me the police was looking at my car, so I ran out to make sore everything was okay. I had to show them everything I had for the car and then they asked me for the key and arrested me. It turned out after 9hours in a police cell the car had been sold to me stolen. So i now have to try and claim the money back for it. It just shows you can get ripped off by anyone i bought it from a dealer not a guy down at the pub. So pissed off with it all

My dream

For as far as I can remember I have always dreamed of being the head chef in a beach restaurant, I know its just a dream but I am a really good cook I have such a passion for it that I some times get a little embarrassed  to show it, Yes I know it sounds strange but I don't want to be put down by the people I cook for so I only ever cook very simple food yet still knowing I can do a hundred times better and I have in the past. So well this week I have applied for that dream job In a little restaurant in Guernsey and Ive had a reply they seem very excited about me and what I would want to bring to the restaurant. I'm now just sat here waiting for the reply to my email I sent last night and I am so scared to here back from him, will he want me wont he, this is the break I need. 

Lets hope 

My blue eyes

I don't know how to do this I have tried so many time yet I always end up writing what I think would some how please anybody that stumbles across it in a frantic scurry to find a page of interest. I hate the feeling of not being able to give 100% the feeling of not being able to give people what they want cuts me so deep, Yet unlike some people that would just get on with life and do there best I push and push the walls until they fall and people get hurt. I have lied and lied and lied to the point that people I love 'well the one person I love' has come close to leaving me on numerous occasions. Thankfully I have landed on my feet just the once in my life and found that one spark that can set off the hole reaction the one thing that can make that little hamster wheel power the hole world ' her name is Nikita'.  I want to put my self out there and see what people think about the real me not dream me so that's the reason I will be doing this as much as possible not just for approval but for my self I want to talk and express my words and life.